Thank You For Your Patience

An exercise bike, yesterday

I've been far too lazy busy lately to be writing blogs but at last my dear readers I have returned and I can feel the collective sigh of indifference echo across Europe. So what have I been doing? Well it may not surprise you to know I have not been cycling. No, it is definitely too cold now to be doing that although I do have my eye on a rather nice exercise bike. I found it on eBay and it sounds fantastic. The seller says: "Not much used, but then again none of these particular models are well used because they are just so rubbish. The farthest most people do on them is the 6 miles in the back of the car to the nearest council tip." The advert finishes with some advice: "don't walk away from this once in a life-time offer..........run away." I know you don't believe me, but you have two days and eighteen hours to see this magnificent advert here.

However, this is not the sole lunatic I have discovered while trawling the web when I should be working conducting extensive research for my blog. No, there is the famous hotel coat hanger thief who is currently on trial at the High Court. Just a sample of his exchanges with the prosecuting barrister:

Counsel: What is your name?
Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.
Counsel: Is that your own name?
Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?
Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.
Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?
Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.
Chrysler: Which court?
Counsel: This court.
Chrysler: What is the name of this court?
Counsel: This is No 5 Court.
Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?
Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!
Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.


And having wounded the hapless lawyer our hero then closed for the coup de grace:

Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler – for let us assume that that is your name – you are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.
Chrysler: I am.
Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?
Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.
Counsel: Is that true?
Chrysler: No.
Counsel: Then why did you say it?
Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.
Counsel: Off balance?

Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.

Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.

Chrysler: Was that a question?

Counsel: No.

Chrysler: Then I can't answer it.

Again, you must surely think I am making this up but believe me, I do not have the genius required to better the humour to be found in the British justice system. It can be read in full in The Independent.

 

And so I leave you, secure in the knowledge that should you ever be accused of a crime these are the people who will defend you and serve on the jury. Sweet dreams.

Riding A Bike From Tromso To Sparta Could Give You Cancer

Could it? I'll have to ask the Daily Mail about that, they seem to be experts. Taking one random month, it's amazing the things the Mail wants you to avoid.

On June 4th it helpfully reported that "A diet rich in walnuts may significantly lower the risk of breast cancer" and, in a different story, "Turmeric has been studied .... for a variety of conditions, such as cancer and arthritis" but also warned "a report found that one large glass of wine a day can increase the risk of breast cancer by a quarter".

Four days later and three different stories report firstly the bad news that hormone replacement therapy causes cancer but on a more positive note a stomach virus, a brisk walk and a tomato all protect you from the killer disease.

On the 9th, ginger capsules reduce cancer symptoms by 40% while green tea and mushrooms reduce your susceptibility by an incredible 90%.

Friday the 12th brings great news for my mum! Women who gossip with their neighbours are less at risk of cancer.

Mixed blessings on the 14th and 15th. One day comes the news that stress stops cancer but the next day comes the news that fear of doctors increases the risk of cancer by 40%. I've decided not to fear doctors but to become stressed about it, that should balance the risk with the benefit, (although, bizarrely, the Mail says it will turn me grey!)

Do you chop your carrots and then cook them or cook them first and then chop them? It's worth researching because the 17th reveals that doing it the wrong way gives you a 25% higher chance of the big C. Meanwhile, June 19th brings the shocking news that wheelie bins cause cancer.

To help you avoid this killer disease, here are things that the Mail last year claimed protect you from cancer: Yellow fever vaccine, spring water, three cups of tea a day, thalidomide, sunbeds, aspirin, plums, Marcus Wareing's Indian Thali sandwich, chocolate, exercise, suncream made from chocolate, yoghurt, suncream made from broccoli, two cups of tea a day, tiny flakes of gold in your cup of tea, a cup of tea that has been left to cool for four minutes, oily fish, two handfuls of baby broccoli every day for two months, yoga, blueberries, vitamin D supplements, half a glass of wine a day, one glass of wine a day and sex.

Phew, what a list! Surely we're all protected? Well let's hope so because there is also a lot of things that the Mail states cause cancer: Mouthwash, hormone replacement therapy, herbal remedies, mineral supplements, illegal tanning drugs, expectant mothers drinking coffee, make-up, salt in soup, immigrants, cannabis, junk food, facebook, deodorant, a pint of beer a day, wi-fi technology, soya, well-done steak, nicotine gum, saturated fat, having your nails done, folic acid, a quarter of a glass of wine a day, one glass of wine a day, Marks and Spencer kitchen utensils and sex.

Perhaps the most public spirited action though is the Mail's destruction of silly allegations. When Gwyneth Paltrow had the nerve to suggest that shampoo could cause cancer the Mail swung into action to protect the public from wild, unfounded claims. Some of the descriptions of her views include 'loopy', 'rubbish' and 'a load of nonsense'.

Luckily it is all put into perspective by the Mail's tame scientist. "There has been an obsession about carcinogenic chemicals for years and we have been successful in getting rid of most of them." he says. Well certainly one newspaper seems obsessed.

"It does annoy me when celebrities use their position to spout nonsense. They have a perfect right to their views, even if they are loopy, but they do hold a position of influence. You may as well ask someone on the Underground." So there you have it. For accuracy and truth you may as well ask someone on the underground as read the Mail.

He concludes; "There are a lot of scare stories around environmental carcinogens but there is scant evidence to back this up." I shouldn't think too many of their readers worry about evidence.