Hooray! Another week gone. This time I did about 125km so slowly slowly I'm getting better. Surprisingly, I'm also feeling fitter despite the holiday food and wine. I'll be going home in a couple of weeks so by the end of August I should be über-fit. Will it be worth it in the long run? Only time will tell.
Another day, another mission for Google translate. Today I need to say "Ziyaret ettiğiniz için teşekkürler, daha sonra tekrar gelir*". Yes, I had a visitor from Turkey this morning. Amazing how people end up reading this stuff. Turkey is another country I'd like to visit but, like Russia, I think it is just slightly too far out of our way.
Meanwhile, anyone who wants to witness first hand the torture we are going to put ourselves through should take a look at http://www.soscycle.com/index.html. Four intrepid cyclists who are looking for a support team as they tackle a similar ride to Austria. (Although when I say similar I actually mean much weedier. They are girly girls whereas we, of course, are manly men) Good luck to them as they attempt 700 miles in 10 days.
We will also probably be looking for a support team so anyone who is free next July and August who fancies driving a long, long way, let us know.
*Thanks for visiting, come back again soon.
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Friday, 30 July 2010
Overskyet med sjanse for regn i kveld*
You learn something new every day, or so the saying goes, and guess what I learned today? It's really hard work cycling into even a modest headwind. Where I've been cycling every morning the prevailing wind is north to south but this morning it had changed and the difference was amazing. I'd always assumed the return journey was all downhill but it turns out I've been huffed and I've been puffed all the way home.
On my practice runs this is ultimately of little importance because it's a case of 10km one way then turn round and come back. If the wind isn't following me out it will be back. The real thing, however, is a one-way trip so I want a following wind all the way. I've been searching for a map of European wind patterns but now it looks as though I will need to learn enough Norwegian to understand their weather forecasts.
*Overcast with a chance of rain this evening
On my practice runs this is ultimately of little importance because it's a case of 10km one way then turn round and come back. If the wind isn't following me out it will be back. The real thing, however, is a one-way trip so I want a following wind all the way. I've been searching for a map of European wind patterns but now it looks as though I will need to learn enough Norwegian to understand their weather forecasts.
*Overcast with a chance of rain this evening
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Russians And Razors
Russians first, Добро пожаловать на мой блог, я надеюсь, вам понравится читать*, because believe it or not someone from Moscow wandered in to read this yesterday. I don't know how or why that happened but great that it did. I'm still trying to work out a way to include Russia in our grand tour but I don't think that will be possible. Maybe I'll save that for when I hit 50.
Training every day is slowly but surely turning me into an elite athlete, and like all elite athletes I am thinking in fractions of seconds. The smallest of details can make a huge difference. To this end I decided to have a haircut in order to improve my performance. There was a slight ethical dilemma to consider first. As a strict amateur I abhor and shun all aspects of professionalism, from dieticians to personal trainers to sports psychologists. Because of this I could not bring myself to go to a barber so I asked my dad to do it. Grade four all over with just a few tufts and clumps of random length as a nod to contemporary fashion. It felt good to have the wind whistling through my head and I have to report that my time also improved as I strove to return home quickly to avoid the mocking laughter and howls of derision from the general public.
Maybe it's time to look for a cycling helmet.
*Welcome to my blog, I hope you enjoy reading it.
Training every day is slowly but surely turning me into an elite athlete, and like all elite athletes I am thinking in fractions of seconds. The smallest of details can make a huge difference. To this end I decided to have a haircut in order to improve my performance. There was a slight ethical dilemma to consider first. As a strict amateur I abhor and shun all aspects of professionalism, from dieticians to personal trainers to sports psychologists. Because of this I could not bring myself to go to a barber so I asked my dad to do it. Grade four all over with just a few tufts and clumps of random length as a nod to contemporary fashion. It felt good to have the wind whistling through my head and I have to report that my time also improved as I strove to return home quickly to avoid the mocking laughter and howls of derision from the general public.
Maybe it's time to look for a cycling helmet.
*Welcome to my blog, I hope you enjoy reading it.
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
There's Nutters Everywhere
Searching around the internet to see if there are any other foolish cyclists I'm amazed to find hundreds. London to Brighton, London to Paris, Land's End to John O'Groat's, it seems there has been a positive outbreak of charity cycling. I'm pleased to report that there are (as far as I have discovered) none as foolish as us. Most do a few hundred miles at most and none are attempting to tackle an entire continent. Only we have the monumental stupidity courage required! Disappointingly though, even the Liverpool to Everton cyclists have more followers and twitter friends than us, so start telling your friends to get their bottoms into gear and start following our blog. Do it anonymously if need be, but do it.
I'm up to 20km a day now and it takes bloody ages. An hour every morning pedalling away, I thought it would be great to have plenty of time to be alone with my thoughts but now I think I don't have as many thoughts as I thought. By the time I've gone 3km I'm already thinking of grammar and that's never a good sign. I've also been wondering why there are so many roads that go uphill and so few downhill. Surely that's physically impossible? Tomorrow I think I'll take a book.
Another annoying thing. I'm actually putting on weight at the same rate that I always do when I'm on holiday. I think I'll start believing the fat person myth that muscle weighs more than fat. Also, I've got a slow metabolism and the reason I always come back from holiday 2 stones heavier is glandular.
Right, I'm off for more cake. Have a nice day.
I'm up to 20km a day now and it takes bloody ages. An hour every morning pedalling away, I thought it would be great to have plenty of time to be alone with my thoughts but now I think I don't have as many thoughts as I thought. By the time I've gone 3km I'm already thinking of grammar and that's never a good sign. I've also been wondering why there are so many roads that go uphill and so few downhill. Surely that's physically impossible? Tomorrow I think I'll take a book.
Another annoying thing. I'm actually putting on weight at the same rate that I always do when I'm on holiday. I think I'll start believing the fat person myth that muscle weighs more than fat. Also, I've got a slow metabolism and the reason I always come back from holiday 2 stones heavier is glandular.
Right, I'm off for more cake. Have a nice day.
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Week Two Over
The end of week two so this is the report of my Herculean efforts. In total last week I cycled 96km which, added to the 48km covered the previous week, means I have now covered the distance that will be required on the first day of our epic quest. Daunted? Not 'arf!
What else this week? I've joined Twitter to try and raise our profile a little, but to no discernable success. It seems that like the evil Schofield (sounds awfully like Blofeld, doesn't it? Could it be that simple?) most celebs are using Twitter simply to inform the world what they had for breakfast rather than spreading news of my most noble undertaking. How long until I name and shame these shallow fashionistas? Could be as soon as next week.
Meanwhile, huge congratulations to Hilary_W who I came across on Twitter. Like me, she had a brilliant idea to raise money for charity, in her case Marie Curie. However, while my idea was to haul my aching bum halfway across the world on a bike, hers was a 36 hour Twitterthon. I really should think things through more. I bet she raised more than I will too! Anyway, well done Hilary. Now it's time to enjoy my day off.
What else this week? I've joined Twitter to try and raise our profile a little, but to no discernable success. It seems that like the evil Schofield (sounds awfully like Blofeld, doesn't it? Could it be that simple?) most celebs are using Twitter simply to inform the world what they had for breakfast rather than spreading news of my most noble undertaking. How long until I name and shame these shallow fashionistas? Could be as soon as next week.
Meanwhile, huge congratulations to Hilary_W who I came across on Twitter. Like me, she had a brilliant idea to raise money for charity, in her case Marie Curie. However, while my idea was to haul my aching bum halfway across the world on a bike, hers was a 36 hour Twitterthon. I really should think things through more. I bet she raised more than I will too! Anyway, well done Hilary. Now it's time to enjoy my day off.
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Sod's Law And Big Hills
If you're talking in general, then I'm a pretty lucky person. Beautiful wife, two wonderful kids, a nice big nearly house, a job I enjoy that only takes 20 hours a week. In general I've got very little to complain about.
Specifically, however, life's a bitch. Take driving for example. Who, when driving through a Polish forest in the dead of night on an unlit road and in an unfamiliar car, gets a puncture? Not me. I get three punctures. Who else do you know who has filled up their diesel with petrol this year? Who would take a seven mile short cut in a furniture van only to find a low bridge at the other end? So why on earth I imagined cycling should be any different I don't know.
Going uphill this morning I noticed an interesting attachment on the underside of the handlebars. It's for hardcore cyclists to test themselves. If you are travelling on the flat and you want to make it more punishing you click this device up a level. Needless to say, I had it set on 'Everest'. This means that every single yard has been twice as hard as it should have been and at times I've been technically defying gravity.
On the other hand, once I'd stamped this evil contraption into a thousand small pieces it was a much easier ride. I almost enjoyed it for a few minutes and started wondering briefly about where I should cycle when I get home. Then I remembered where I live.
It's a town in Poland called Zielona Gora. Gora in Polish means mountain and I live at the top of the mountain. This means that whatever route I take it will always end with a long uphill slog.
I need my nice big nearly house to be finished. It's on a fairly flat piece of land and while that wasn't a factor at the time it's the number one benefit now. I hope we'll be in there by October but September now looks like a definite up and down month for me.
Specifically, however, life's a bitch. Take driving for example. Who, when driving through a Polish forest in the dead of night on an unlit road and in an unfamiliar car, gets a puncture? Not me. I get three punctures. Who else do you know who has filled up their diesel with petrol this year? Who would take a seven mile short cut in a furniture van only to find a low bridge at the other end? So why on earth I imagined cycling should be any different I don't know.
Going uphill this morning I noticed an interesting attachment on the underside of the handlebars. It's for hardcore cyclists to test themselves. If you are travelling on the flat and you want to make it more punishing you click this device up a level. Needless to say, I had it set on 'Everest'. This means that every single yard has been twice as hard as it should have been and at times I've been technically defying gravity.
On the other hand, once I'd stamped this evil contraption into a thousand small pieces it was a much easier ride. I almost enjoyed it for a few minutes and started wondering briefly about where I should cycle when I get home. Then I remembered where I live.
It's a town in Poland called Zielona Gora. Gora in Polish means mountain and I live at the top of the mountain. This means that whatever route I take it will always end with a long uphill slog.
I need my nice big nearly house to be finished. It's on a fairly flat piece of land and while that wasn't a factor at the time it's the number one benefit now. I hope we'll be in there by October but September now looks like a definite up and down month for me.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Separated by a common language
Today and yesterday I've upped the distance to 16km and this includes a long 3km uphill stretch. Doing this today I wondered for the first time whether this really is possible. There's little else for it, I am going to have to plan a route without mountains. Perhaps we can just go back and forth across Holland 20 times.
Looking at my stat counter widget I can see that in America I have readers from Conneticut, California, New York, South Carolina and West Virginia. You must all be confused. Who is Phillip Schofield? Jeremy Clarkson? Fearne Cotton? Richard Madeley? In fact, apart from Homer Simpson and Brad Pitt you must be wondering who the hell I'm talking about.
It's very hard to explain who they are or to compare them to any US celebrities because they are so quintessentially English. Honestly, even if the Queen and Churchill had had a secret lovechild could he have been more English than Richard Madeley? I don't think so. The best advice I can give you is to look them up. No matter what you read, it's probably true. Start with Richard Madeley on Extras. http://il.youtube.com/watch?v=9BNeqqSZ3sA (also shows a short clip of Schofield). The beauty of living in the UK is that we get to see this kind of thing EVERY DAY!!
Looking at my stat counter widget I can see that in America I have readers from Conneticut, California, New York, South Carolina and West Virginia. You must all be confused. Who is Phillip Schofield? Jeremy Clarkson? Fearne Cotton? Richard Madeley? In fact, apart from Homer Simpson and Brad Pitt you must be wondering who the hell I'm talking about.
It's very hard to explain who they are or to compare them to any US celebrities because they are so quintessentially English. Honestly, even if the Queen and Churchill had had a secret lovechild could he have been more English than Richard Madeley? I don't think so. The best advice I can give you is to look them up. No matter what you read, it's probably true. Start with Richard Madeley on Extras. http://il.youtube.com/watch?v=9BNeqqSZ3sA (also shows a short clip of Schofield). The beauty of living in the UK is that we get to see this kind of thing EVERY DAY!!
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Phillip Schofield - Is he an evil genius?
I didn't cycle today, I'm having a rest day as I said I would. That doesn't mean that my mind was at rest though and as usual I was thinking of ways to publicise the blog.
My sister suggested Twitter as a good way to do this. Now I'm a bit of a Luddite and I don't even have a mobile phone so the world of Twitter is a bit of a mystery to me. Apparently, I need to 'tweet' someone with lots of followers and then hope they 're-tweet'.
According to my sister there are several UK celebrities with sizeable followings. Stephen Fry, Fearne Cotton and Sarah Brown all have considerable influence in the tweeting fraternity. The daddy of them all though, the undisputed king of the Twitterati, is Phillip Schofield.
Now I have to ask myself why he wants such power. He's come a long way since Gordon the Gopher and sharing a sofa with Holly Willoughby would be enough for most men but Phillip wants more. Respect, influence, connections.
What is he going to do with his Twitter-power? I've been racking my brain for examples of powerful men who have used their position to benefit the world and there aren't many. For every Ghandi there's a hundred Stalins.
The upshot of all this is that I've sent him a tweet asking him to use his power to help me. We'll find out today if he's a genuine philanthropist who desires only to improve people's lives, or a power-crazed tyrant with plans to plunge Eastern Europe back under the yoke of communist repression. Your call Phil.
My sister suggested Twitter as a good way to do this. Now I'm a bit of a Luddite and I don't even have a mobile phone so the world of Twitter is a bit of a mystery to me. Apparently, I need to 'tweet' someone with lots of followers and then hope they 're-tweet'.
According to my sister there are several UK celebrities with sizeable followings. Stephen Fry, Fearne Cotton and Sarah Brown all have considerable influence in the tweeting fraternity. The daddy of them all though, the undisputed king of the Twitterati, is Phillip Schofield.
Now I have to ask myself why he wants such power. He's come a long way since Gordon the Gopher and sharing a sofa with Holly Willoughby would be enough for most men but Phillip wants more. Respect, influence, connections.
What is he going to do with his Twitter-power? I've been racking my brain for examples of powerful men who have used their position to benefit the world and there aren't many. For every Ghandi there's a hundred Stalins.
The upshot of all this is that I've sent him a tweet asking him to use his power to help me. We'll find out today if he's a genuine philanthropist who desires only to improve people's lives, or a power-crazed tyrant with plans to plunge Eastern Europe back under the yoke of communist repression. Your call Phil.
Saturday, 17 July 2010
Scenery and statistics
That's the first week over, I'm not going to do it on Sunday, at least not while I'm on holiday. Let's look at what I've done in the last week.
I've done about 50km over six days which is not much really considering that the plan is to do 120km a day. On the plus side, most of it has been in 30+ degree heat which we shouldn't encounter until at least the fourth week.
Just in case anyone is feeling sorry for me, let me share with you where I've been cycling. On googlemaps look up "lungomare cristoforo colombo alliste" and check the street view. It almost makes it worth the effort.
Still no word from Clarkson. Perhaps I should have contacted James May, apart from Top Gear the only other offers he gets is stuff like building that ridiculous Lego house.
Anyhow, I'll leave you there. I'm going to enjoy an extra glass of red tonight safe in the knowledge that I won't need to be on a bike at 7.30 am.
I've done about 50km over six days which is not much really considering that the plan is to do 120km a day. On the plus side, most of it has been in 30+ degree heat which we shouldn't encounter until at least the fourth week.
Just in case anyone is feeling sorry for me, let me share with you where I've been cycling. On googlemaps look up "lungomare cristoforo colombo alliste" and check the street view. It almost makes it worth the effort.
Still no word from Clarkson. Perhaps I should have contacted James May, apart from Top Gear the only other offers he gets is stuff like building that ridiculous Lego house.
Anyhow, I'll leave you there. I'm going to enjoy an extra glass of red tonight safe in the knowledge that I won't need to be on a bike at 7.30 am.
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Parental guidance
I have to admit that when you start a new blog with the basic aim of quickly attracting a large number of followers in order to impress potential commercial sponsors, going several days without an entry is not the smartest move. I do have a reasonable excuse though and I'm sure it's one that will give any mums a wry smile of satisfaction.
So as I said, last week I drove 2200km and that's because I'm on holiday. In my ineffible wisdom I left my wife behind and brought the children with me. I mean, how hard can it be? And that's why you've not heard from me for days.
On the cycling front, the route I took for the first couple of days was 3.78km so I did three circuits to make sure I was doing 10km. Now 3.78km is a fairly precise measurement so when my Dad told me that's what it was I believed him. Yesterday I measured it. Which means I'm now doing five circuits for my 10km. So I guess what I've learnt is that parenting is something that you never stop making up as you go along.
On top of it all, my bum aches. I mean really aches. If anyone can invent a comfy sadle, I tell you there's a fortune to be made. Must go, the sad bit on the Black Beauty DVD is approaching.
So as I said, last week I drove 2200km and that's because I'm on holiday. In my ineffible wisdom I left my wife behind and brought the children with me. I mean, how hard can it be? And that's why you've not heard from me for days.
On the cycling front, the route I took for the first couple of days was 3.78km so I did three circuits to make sure I was doing 10km. Now 3.78km is a fairly precise measurement so when my Dad told me that's what it was I believed him. Yesterday I measured it. Which means I'm now doing five circuits for my 10km. So I guess what I've learnt is that parenting is something that you never stop making up as you go along.
On top of it all, my bum aches. I mean really aches. If anyone can invent a comfy sadle, I tell you there's a fortune to be made. Must go, the sad bit on the Black Beauty DVD is approaching.
Monday, 12 July 2010
Trepidation
So today I promise I'm going to ride a bike. Properly. Not just down to the shop. You can expect a second installment some time today reporting how much fitter I feel.
I don't want to but I'm going to do 10km today, a nice gentle start and by the time we get to the end of August I want to be up to 25km a day. The only problem is that it's hot here, 35-40 degrees most afternoons and even in the early morning and late evening it's usually 25+. Is that a good enough excuse to not start yet?
Also, having three glasses of wine at lunch yesterday plus three beers while watching the world cup last night was not the best idea. Giving up cigarettes was no problem but I'm not giving up beer no matter how much good it would do me.
No word from Simon for a while, I hope his wife hasn't killed him.
I don't want to but I'm going to do 10km today, a nice gentle start and by the time we get to the end of August I want to be up to 25km a day. The only problem is that it's hot here, 35-40 degrees most afternoons and even in the early morning and late evening it's usually 25+. Is that a good enough excuse to not start yet?
Also, having three glasses of wine at lunch yesterday plus three beers while watching the world cup last night was not the best idea. Giving up cigarettes was no problem but I'm not giving up beer no matter how much good it would do me.
No word from Simon for a while, I hope his wife hasn't killed him.
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Knackered
Yesterday I drove 2200km and it was tiring. I hope that counts as training. Meanwhile I rode about 500metres by bike today. The good news is there was no pain. The bad news is that probably means no gain. The real training starts tomorrow, I'm aiming for 10km tomorrow morning.
Friday, 9 July 2010
Word is spreading
Lots of good news today. Apparently people like my random wittering and keep coming back to read it, and also people are now starting to visit who I have not spammed or contacted in any way. Yes Shelley, I mean you! My wonderful little counter shows that for a remarkable second day in succession the number of visitors has actually increased. God I love pointless little gizmos.
I've also had another pledge today which mean we have now reached three figures! Yes, we now have a grand total of £139.00 promised and all we have to do to collect this princely sum is half kill ourselves by dragging our aching, middle-aged bodies across Europe. A fair bargain I would say, if I was mad. We need more than that and to get more than that we need publicity and to get publicity we need you. So go to that little button at the top right that says "Follow" and click on it. Yes, do it now.
That's Google's advice anyway and grammatically awful advice it is too. They say that I should ask my visitors to become a follower. Sounds OK, doesn't it? Except that visitors is plural but the use of the indefinite article "a" before follower indicates singular. So what are Google suggesting? Do they want my visitors to merge into a single entity, a multi headed, blog reading monster? It's possible I suppose. Oh, for those of you who don't know already, I teach English grammar.
So now you are following, let me tell you what made me feel old today. Howard Webb. Howard Webb will be the referee for the World Cup Final on Sunday. So how does that make me feel old? I'll explain. In the last final every single player, for the first time, was younger than me. However, one of them was just one day younger so that wasn't too bad. In my heart I knew that all that separated me from them was a little fitness and a bucket load of talent. This time around though, even the bloody referee is younger than me. Although I hold out a glimmer of hope for 2014, I will soon have to face up to the fact that it is increasingly unlikely I will ever take to the pitch in a world cup final. At least, not without police and stewards chasing me.
And now my tongue is weary, I will bid you farewell.
I've also had another pledge today which mean we have now reached three figures! Yes, we now have a grand total of £139.00 promised and all we have to do to collect this princely sum is half kill ourselves by dragging our aching, middle-aged bodies across Europe. A fair bargain I would say, if I was mad. We need more than that and to get more than that we need publicity and to get publicity we need you. So go to that little button at the top right that says "Follow" and click on it. Yes, do it now.
That's Google's advice anyway and grammatically awful advice it is too. They say that I should ask my visitors to become a follower. Sounds OK, doesn't it? Except that visitors is plural but the use of the indefinite article "a" before follower indicates singular. So what are Google suggesting? Do they want my visitors to merge into a single entity, a multi headed, blog reading monster? It's possible I suppose. Oh, for those of you who don't know already, I teach English grammar.
So now you are following, let me tell you what made me feel old today. Howard Webb. Howard Webb will be the referee for the World Cup Final on Sunday. So how does that make me feel old? I'll explain. In the last final every single player, for the first time, was younger than me. However, one of them was just one day younger so that wasn't too bad. In my heart I knew that all that separated me from them was a little fitness and a bucket load of talent. This time around though, even the bloody referee is younger than me. Although I hold out a glimmer of hope for 2014, I will soon have to face up to the fact that it is increasingly unlikely I will ever take to the pitch in a world cup final. At least, not without police and stewards chasing me.
And now my tongue is weary, I will bid you farewell.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
A Plea For Support
So yesterday I finally plugged the blog on facebook and nobody, least of all me, will fail to be astounded by the result. By the end of the day the blog was literally inundated with a new follower, a tremendous achievement I feel. We have also started a new facebook group called 'Oh my God, I can't believe Gino and Simon are going to cycle all that way' and at the time of writing we have ten members. All I can say is slow down guys, we're going to break the interweb!
I've also added a nifty counter which tells me how many people are looking at the blog and where they come from. On top of the obvious hits from England, Italy and Poland we have also been visited from New York, California and Denmark. How did that happen? Leave a comment guys, how did you get here? Was it a wrong turn on the information super highway? I can also see how many people visit every day and at the moment the numbers are rising daily, although I wouldn't call it a trend because I only added the application yesterday.
Right, what's next? Let's talk about Clarkson. After doing a bit of stalking on Google I think I've come up with his home address so a letter is on the way begging him to visit the blog and optimistically challenging him to a race from Sweden to Finland. Come on Jezza, don't be scared!
If it works I've got a whole list of celebrities I'd like to see falling off a bike. If you can add to it, fantastic. Just post a comment at the bottom beginning "The celebrity I'd most like to see fall off a bike is ............." The best suggestion wins an old pen. My list at the moment comprises Graham Norton, Fearne Cotton, Pierluigi Collina, Boris Johnson and Marshall Lancaster. I've actually found a picture of Fearne falling off a bike but for the rest of them I'm afraid it's just headshots of their probable reaction when they get the invite.
I've also decide to put off the start of training until Monday given that on Saturday and Sunday I will be driving across Europe. Yes, you can drive across Europe in two days but muggins here has to see how long it will take with pedal power. I hope you're all amused because I'm regretting opening my big mouth in the first place. And on that bombshell, it's time to say goodnight.
Right, what's next? Let's talk about Clarkson. After doing a bit of stalking on Google I think I've come up with his home address so a letter is on the way begging him to visit the blog and optimistically challenging him to a race from Sweden to Finland. Come on Jezza, don't be scared! 
If it works I've got a whole list of celebrities I'd like to see falling off a bike. If you can add to it, fantastic. Just post a comment at the bottom beginning "The celebrity I'd most like to see fall off a bike is ............." The best suggestion wins an old pen. My list at the moment comprises Graham Norton, Fearne Cotton, Pierluigi Collina, Boris Johnson and Marshall Lancaster. I've actually found a picture of Fearne falling off a bike but for the rest of them I'm afraid it's just headshots of their probable reaction when they get the invite.
On the sponsorship front I have another doubter who is so confident we won't be able to do it that he's pledged £30 for completion. That makes a total of £84.50 in the proverbial bag. It's a start and as they say mighty oaks from little acorns grow. At last, after a quarter of a century, my old high school motto has become relevant.
I've also decide to put off the start of training until Monday given that on Saturday and Sunday I will be driving across Europe. Yes, you can drive across Europe in two days but muggins here has to see how long it will take with pedal power. I hope you're all amused because I'm regretting opening my big mouth in the first place. And on that bombshell, it's time to say goodnight.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Simon The Brave
So at last Simon has finally told his better half about his coming act of desertion next summer. The pub was a frosty place to be last night and it wasn't helped by Richard constantly laughing about bandits attacking us. I've decided to have a false bank statement printed showing a balance of just under £1,000,000 and Richie's address at the top. That should help send any bandits in the right direction.
Yesterday saw the start of the route planning. We are aiming at around 120km per day but there are huge swathes of Europe without even a small village within 120km, let alone a McDonalds. Could be a problem if we need to catch our own food. At the moment we are only fast enough to catch worms and plants, although I'm not sure about the worms. I wonder how many Pot Noodles we can carry?
Another problem could be the mountains. (Could be! Ha!) How often have I mocked those fools who spend a whole day cycling up a mountain when God gave us perfectly good cars. If anyone knows of any recently invented, small, nearly invisible engines which fit nicely on bikes can you please send us some. If not, we may be in trouble. I also found out that the distance we are covering is equivalent to one and a half times the Tour De France, or if you're American slightly more than Seattle to Miami. It's getting worrying.
On the plus side, my annoying habit of prevaricating by clicking links means I now know how fjords are formed and the geographical difference between a fjord, a channel and a lagoon. It might help while away the long, pointless uphill slogs to ponder the mighty power of Mother Nature and the patient way she designed this remarkable planet. Although it's more likely I'll be thinking 'God, my bum hurts'.
Anyhow, now that Simon The Brave has come clean I can at last tell the world via Facebook what we are going to do. I expect from my meagre friends list at least another 2 followers. Remember, by pandering to our insane whim you not only help souls less fortunate than yourself, you also get to inflict incredible physical suffering upon me. That should ensure at least Pete joins.
Yesterday saw the start of the route planning. We are aiming at around 120km per day but there are huge swathes of Europe without even a small village within 120km, let alone a McDonalds. Could be a problem if we need to catch our own food. At the moment we are only fast enough to catch worms and plants, although I'm not sure about the worms. I wonder how many Pot Noodles we can carry?
Another problem could be the mountains. (Could be! Ha!) How often have I mocked those fools who spend a whole day cycling up a mountain when God gave us perfectly good cars. If anyone knows of any recently invented, small, nearly invisible engines which fit nicely on bikes can you please send us some. If not, we may be in trouble. I also found out that the distance we are covering is equivalent to one and a half times the Tour De France, or if you're American slightly more than Seattle to Miami. It's getting worrying.
On the plus side, my annoying habit of prevaricating by clicking links means I now know how fjords are formed and the geographical difference between a fjord, a channel and a lagoon. It might help while away the long, pointless uphill slogs to ponder the mighty power of Mother Nature and the patient way she designed this remarkable planet. Although it's more likely I'll be thinking 'God, my bum hurts'.
Anyhow, now that Simon The Brave has come clean I can at last tell the world via Facebook what we are going to do. I expect from my meagre friends list at least another 2 followers. Remember, by pandering to our insane whim you not only help souls less fortunate than yourself, you also get to inflict incredible physical suffering upon me. That should ensure at least Pete joins.
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Permission Given - Time To Prepare
Well the most difficult hurdle has been surmounted. More daunting than the fitness regime, more time-consuming than begging companies for supplies and support, more embarrassing than asking friends to dig deep; I had to break the news to my wife Renata that I was going to be leaving her and the children for an eight week slog across Europe. The way she agreed so quickly was quite disconcerting. However, the fact that she doesn't mind means the journey will go ahead and the fitness work will start at the end of this week. If I can still move my fingers next Saturday night I'll tell you all how much it is hurting.
Jimmy Carr's little plan didn't work by the way. Sport Relief have replied and lots of useful information from them and Help For Heroes means we can start the begging letters soon. Big thanks to Becca at Help For Heroes for her input. If you have a company which provides flights to Norway, bicycles in Tromso or ferries across the Baltic Sea you can expect to hear from us shortly. If you don't have a company like this can you please form one and send us the details. As to the possibilites of fraud, they are actually far greater than anticipated. Apparently all we need to do is make it clear that not every single penny raised will go to charity and X amount will be spent on administration and expenses. The suggestion offered was 20% which, should we hit our target, gives us an awesome £10,000 to spend on beer.
In all seriousness we have no idea what our expenses will be. If we can get sufficient freebies from companies then they should be minimal, perhaps as little as 1%. If we can offer 33% to each of the three charities that would be fantastic. Even if we get nothing in the way of support from businesses I can't see our expenses being much more than 6-7% of the total which still gives 31% to each charity, or over £46,000.
Which brings me on to Simon's charity. I knew it began with a 'C'. It's called 'Concern' and you can find out more about them at http://www.concern.net/. Hopefully their website will have pictures of wounded kittens or something to melt your heart and make you give us money. On the giving money front, I am proud to report that we have already had our first pledge, despite having done nothing more strenuous than start a blog and libel Jimmy Carr. We have a firm promise of 1p per kilometre (a total of £54.50) from a misguided fool generous supporter. Only another £9.99 per kilometre to raise. Many, many thanks Chris, just remember you are the first to have stumped up and so have played a tremendous part in our endevour by getting the ball rolling, we really appreciate it.
No news yet from Top Gear. Perhaps I should send them an email instead of just hoping they will read this blog.
Friday, 2 July 2010
Jimmy Carr Foiled
Suffice to say his evil plan was thwarted and Sport Relief duly replied. More about that, the amount we shall be skimming off the top and at last a mention of Simon's charity tomorrow.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Officially sanctioned lunacy
Today one of the charities we contacted has agreed that they have no objection to us having heart attacks in a good cause. We are officially registered as raising money for "Help For Heroes", so some of the money raised will be going to them. Who knows, if I can't remember Simon's charity and Sport Relief can't be bothered to reply then perhaps Heroes will get it all.
I wonder if Sport Relief still exists? After all, they only do stuff every two years so perhaps nobody is checking their emails. I know if somebody sent me an email saying they want to raise 50K and then give it to me I could probably muster a reply. I expect Jimmy Carr heard about us and got a little upset because he only managed a pathetic few miles after joining the Sport Relief John O'Groats to Land's End bike ride just before it finished.
He's probably got one of his celeb mates like Derren Brown to hack into the Sport Relief email account and delete our offer. What a sad, bitter man. On the other hand, perhaps their office is only staffed part time and nobody's read it yet. In which case hats off to plucky comic Jimmy Carr for his inspiring and noble example I say.
I've also started to wonder today about whether I can persuade various celebrities to join us for a few miles (or a few metres in the case of unfit, unfunny email thief Carr). I wouldn't want to aim too low but am I being optimistic to think that Brad Pitt may head over from California in order to cycle from Narvik to the Vindelfjallens nature reserve with two total strangers? Perhaps I should think more in terms of Jeremy Kyle. In all seriousness, one of the things I really do want to do is to get in touch with Top Gear and see if Clarkson et. al. will race us part of the way.I'm thinking that we should both start at Umea in Sweden then while we get the three hour ferry across the Gulf of Bothnia and cycle to Seinajoki in Finland they drive the long way round, a total of 850km.
To be perfectly honest, it would be worth every single one of the 5450 kilometres just for the pleasure of winning a Top Gear challenge. Of course, if we lost I'd smack Hammond, nick the Maserati and let him cycle home. So be warned hamster-boy, you need to let us win.
To be perfectly honest, it would be worth every single one of the 5450 kilometres just for the pleasure of winning a Top Gear challenge. Of course, if we lost I'd smack Hammond, nick the Maserati and let him cycle home. So be warned hamster-boy, you need to let us win.
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