Riding A Bike From Tromso To Sparta Could Give You Cancer

Could it? I'll have to ask the Daily Mail about that, they seem to be experts. Taking one random month, it's amazing the things the Mail wants you to avoid.

On June 4th it helpfully reported that "A diet rich in walnuts may significantly lower the risk of breast cancer" and, in a different story, "Turmeric has been studied .... for a variety of conditions, such as cancer and arthritis" but also warned "a report found that one large glass of wine a day can increase the risk of breast cancer by a quarter".

Four days later and three different stories report firstly the bad news that hormone replacement therapy causes cancer but on a more positive note a stomach virus, a brisk walk and a tomato all protect you from the killer disease.

On the 9th, ginger capsules reduce cancer symptoms by 40% while green tea and mushrooms reduce your susceptibility by an incredible 90%.

Friday the 12th brings great news for my mum! Women who gossip with their neighbours are less at risk of cancer.

Mixed blessings on the 14th and 15th. One day comes the news that stress stops cancer but the next day comes the news that fear of doctors increases the risk of cancer by 40%. I've decided not to fear doctors but to become stressed about it, that should balance the risk with the benefit, (although, bizarrely, the Mail says it will turn me grey!)

Do you chop your carrots and then cook them or cook them first and then chop them? It's worth researching because the 17th reveals that doing it the wrong way gives you a 25% higher chance of the big C. Meanwhile, June 19th brings the shocking news that wheelie bins cause cancer.

To help you avoid this killer disease, here are things that the Mail last year claimed protect you from cancer: Yellow fever vaccine, spring water, three cups of tea a day, thalidomide, sunbeds, aspirin, plums, Marcus Wareing's Indian Thali sandwich, chocolate, exercise, suncream made from chocolate, yoghurt, suncream made from broccoli, two cups of tea a day, tiny flakes of gold in your cup of tea, a cup of tea that has been left to cool for four minutes, oily fish, two handfuls of baby broccoli every day for two months, yoga, blueberries, vitamin D supplements, half a glass of wine a day, one glass of wine a day and sex.

Phew, what a list! Surely we're all protected? Well let's hope so because there is also a lot of things that the Mail states cause cancer: Mouthwash, hormone replacement therapy, herbal remedies, mineral supplements, illegal tanning drugs, expectant mothers drinking coffee, make-up, salt in soup, immigrants, cannabis, junk food, facebook, deodorant, a pint of beer a day, wi-fi technology, soya, well-done steak, nicotine gum, saturated fat, having your nails done, folic acid, a quarter of a glass of wine a day, one glass of wine a day, Marks and Spencer kitchen utensils and sex.

Perhaps the most public spirited action though is the Mail's destruction of silly allegations. When Gwyneth Paltrow had the nerve to suggest that shampoo could cause cancer the Mail swung into action to protect the public from wild, unfounded claims. Some of the descriptions of her views include 'loopy', 'rubbish' and 'a load of nonsense'.

Luckily it is all put into perspective by the Mail's tame scientist. "There has been an obsession about carcinogenic chemicals for years and we have been successful in getting rid of most of them." he says. Well certainly one newspaper seems obsessed.

"It does annoy me when celebrities use their position to spout nonsense. They have a perfect right to their views, even if they are loopy, but they do hold a position of influence. You may as well ask someone on the Underground." So there you have it. For accuracy and truth you may as well ask someone on the underground as read the Mail.

He concludes; "There are a lot of scare stories around environmental carcinogens but there is scant evidence to back this up." I shouldn't think too many of their readers worry about evidence.

Strictly Come Teaching

Not long to go now and all will be revealed. A nation holds its breath as training rooms and schedules are arranged, potential is assessed and everything humanly possible is done to make sure that each eager partnership is as well matched as possible. Yes, in just a week or two my fellow teachers and I will find out who has been given Kara Tointon and who will get Anne Widdecombe. For every CAE group made up of hardworking, ambitious twentsomethings there's a group of bored, rebellious 12 year olds. Unlike the TV show, however, no amount of time on a premium rate phoneline can get rid of our students. Perhaps that could be the incentive they need, whoever is the worse student each week gets publicly humiliated and voted out by the rest of the class and will henceforce be forced into one of Frank's classes.

Of course, the quality of your English teacher can have a profound affect (or is that effect?) on the rest of your life. Not only your life either but the lives of those you come into contact with. I'm sure some of you will have seen before the terrible consequences of this German coastguard having been taught by a less illustrious institution than Linguaviva, but for those who haven't, it's a sobering warning.

 

Then there is the famous case of the Korean toothpaste company who could not understand why their sales were so terrible when they had spent so much money on advertising. The "English speaking" agency they had commisioned had, after much brainstorming, come up with this inspiring slogan "Gives You Strong Mouth And Refreshing Wind!". But most dangerous of all are the lessons given by this English school in Saudi Arabia. Remember, if you break the law in Saudi you can be whipped or even mutilated.

Long Days

I'm sorry to say that I haven't been too well lately, I've had a slight temperature and generally haven't been up to going out at all, instead I've just been lounging around the flat. It's not so bad having to stay home, there's just about everything you could ever want to see, read or play available on the internet, I've got hundreds of DVDs to watch and there's even the Nintendo if I can be bothered to wire it all up. Yet you know what the kids say if they have to stay home? "I'm bored!" Bored? They don't know what bored is! Try staying home sick for a day when all you have is Etch-A-Sketch, then tell me you know about bored. When I was a kid and it rained I got to spend a whole day playing with Fuzzy Felt. I swear, it was more fun being at school.

I can just feel my parents bristling with indignation at my ingratitude as they read this because, of course, growing up in the 50's they had different toys. For Christmas they might, if they were lucky, get a stick to play with. I do have sympathy for their generation though because I've heard tales of how they tried to magically make their black and white TV seem colour by holding Quality Street wrappers over their eyes. I've never been able to work out if that was a good idea, particularly if, after watching the Lone Ranger in purple, you were overheard in the playground shouting "Hi Ho, Lilac!"

Speaking of parents, I'm pleased to say mine will be flying over to visit and in a stunning triumph of hope over experience they have chosen Ryanair. I have been advised by my lawyers that if I describe Ryanair as "cattle class" I may be sued by the National Farmers Union so let's just remember that, in introducing the fuel surcharge, Ryanair became the first airline to agree to give you a lift only if you promise to chip in for petrol. Still, as their advertising slogan goes, It's Better Than Walking!

Rain, Glorious Rain

All day long today, rain and rain and more rain. Which is bad because I can't go out on the bike but is also good because I don't have to go out on the bike. So what have I been doing? Well, today I have planned a little more of the route. If you remember, I was trying to find a way to get my golf clubs on the back of the bike so we could have a round of golf in Narvik.

Whether we find a way or not, day three will see us travelling 130km from Narvik to Innhavet. Now I thought Olsborg, with it's post office and bus stop, was a small town, but Innhavet does not even have a wikipedia page. From what I can gather, Innhavet translates as "inland sea" and to the east are several bays, one called Troll Pollen and two which are both called Sagpollen. While Innhavet does not see fit to boast of it's shopping facility or bus shelter, it does have a campsite so we will at least be safe from marauding reindeer. In all seriousness, this is one of the parts of the trip that I really am looking forward to because from the map and photos this should be spectacular, the full majesty of the fjords.

From Innhavet day four sees us travel 121km to Batsvika. From my research I honestly believe that this is not a place but simply a made up word placed on the map to pretend that there is not just a huge empty wilderness there. 200 years ago it would have said "HERE BE DRAGONS!!". Norwegian cartographers are notorious for this kind of thing but I shall not be fooled. I couldn't find an image of Batsvika, so here is another one of Innhavet, just pretend.

Grazes And Wet Patches

Is it too much to ask, do you think, just to go out once and have a nice, gentle easy ride with no agro, no problems and no injuries? Surely this will happen one day. But not last weekend. Friday saw 25km. It was supposed to be twice that but when I was about half an hour away from home God saw me and decided to have a bit of a laugh by making it suddenly start pouring with rain. I'm sure he was sat up there having a proper chuckle at his jolly jape, all the more so when he decided to really wind me up by waiting until I got home and then making it suddenly stop. To think that He could be doing a bit of smiting at Simon Cowell or anyone involved in the production of Big Brother but He prefers to make it rain on me. It's not big omnipotent and it's not clever omnicogniscant.

However, if I thought Friday was a downer, Sunday easily topped it. I was about 6km from home when, for no apparent reason, I fell off the bike. It could have been a bit of mud, it could have been a bit of oil, I don't know. Whatever it was, it brought me down. It may be easy falling off a log but I can tell you now, it's no fun falling off a bike, especially one that's going at a fair old lick.

My Right Leg

What's really annoying is that having just got back from Italy the skin that was on my leg was quite tanned. I bet when it grows back (Question: Skin does grow back, right?) it's going to be all white and look daft, all the inside of my lower leg will be brown and the outside brown and white stripes. It'll look like a tie from 1975.

Meanwhile, I hope you are all suitably impressed with my vast knowledge of European football. Five correct results out of six and I even got the score right for England. I may have to set up a premium rate phone line with gambling tips. Even the one I got wrong I don't feel bad about as it involved France losing. I now love Belarus. Tomorrow sees the next round of matches and Italy should comfortably see off the Faroe Islands, England will likewise beat Switzerland and much as I would love to see Belarus repeat their triumph I'm going to tip against them again and say Romania will win. Scotland may just sneak a win against Lichtenstein and the most interesting match for me will be Norway against Portugal. How will Ronaldo and co. respond to their draw with Cyprus? I hope I'm wrong but I'll predict a comfortable Portugese win.

Sport, Glorious Sport

I suppose that some of you out there may get the idea from my irrational aversion to physical effort that I am not too keen on sport but let me dispel that misapprehension immediately. I love sport, all kinds of sport. Particularly the kind of sports which involve sedentary consumption of beer while the action occurs a few feet away on a 42" widescreen TV. Which is why tonight I will be giving my full attention to the first round of Euro2012 qualifiers. Because the next tournament will be held in Poland and Ukraine I hope to actually see some of the games. But before I impart my rather considerable wisdom on football, let's turn for a moment to cricket.

Like many of you, (apart from all the ones who come from countries where cricket is not played i.e. about 95% of the world) I have been following the revelations about the Pakistan team with interest. Most cricket fans will not be at all surprised by the revelations but what I am particularly amused by is the shock and horror of the newspapers at the possibility of a sportsman making a mistake at a pre-ordained point in the match. Let's remember, the players have not been caught cheating and they have not been caught affecting the outcome of the match. After all, who would imagine that some people might be prepared to do something during a sports match that means nothing, not even affecting a result that changes nothing anyway, in return for more money than their family has earned in 16 generations. It's beyond belief!

And so on to the football. The most interesting match for me tonight is Italy v. Estonia. Italy have played Estonia four times and won every time but right now thay are going through a terrible run. This year they have not won a single game despite playing Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Mexico, Switzerland, Paraguay, Slovakia and New Zealand. I have a horrible feeling that tonight could see another poor result. Other interesting games include Sweden v. Hungary, Latvia v. Croatia, Lithuania v. Scotland, France v. Belarus and England v. Bulgaria. I expect England will do their usual trick of winning every qualifying game about 4-0 and then failing in the actual tournament due to a combination of inept refereeing and fat, cheating Argentines. (And also being rubbish but not mentioning that). Meanwhile, like every true Englishman there is nothing I would like to see more than Belarus destroying the French although I fear that is unlikely. Ўдачы сёння, каб французская выглядаць бязглузда!*

I predict wins for Italy, Sweden, France and England and a draw between Lithuania and Scotland. Latvia v. Croatia is tight but should be a win for Croatia.

As for sport which does not involve sitting in front of the TV, OK, OK, I know. I'm going in a minute.


*Good Luck tonight, make the French look stupid!

To Key Or Not To Key

33km today which means my August total is a rather butch 453km, up from 270km for July. I'm especially pleased with this because various things have meant that for the last two weeks I've hardly been out on the bike. Today, however, I managed it, and guess what. Yes, that's right, once again things did not go smoothly.

The first problem was my keys. Now usually when I cycle I don't carry anything. No money, no wallet, no keys, no nothing. So before I left I asked Renata if she was going out and she said no. I got changed, got the bike and then asked again. "No", she said, "and you've already asked me that." I said I knew but that I was just checking because I wasn't taking my keys. I think you can guess by now what's going to happen.

Anyway, off I went. As usual the outward journey was easy enough, all downhill and nothing unexpected. After 14km I turned round to come home and as usual the return journey was bursting with the torments of hell. Uphill, all the way, muscles burning, legs screaming, lungs rasping and the usual thoughts running through my mind. Stuff like, "I could be sitting at home now", and "Oh my God, I think I'm going to die".

Eventually I arrived home and rang the bell. No answer. Try again. Still no answer. So there I was, tired, sweating, in the cold and nowhere to go. So I went and did another 5km.